I’ve mentioned a couple times in this newsletter that I am co-directing a community production of Fiddler on the Roof. Last night was our opening night. We have a remarkable cast of 51 actors, ranging from stage veterans to first timers. Our leads are so strong, it would be easy for our ensemble to think they weren’t important. But no. They brought their whole selves to the production. Everywhere I looked onstage, I saw a village of people, thoughtfully, creatively (and often hilariously) adding richness and depth to a shared story about personal growth and connected community. I am profoundly proud of them! They earned their standing ovation!I have not had time to research a new story for you, so this week, I’m sending out a personal reflection about this experience and the power of positivity for a director.
My first big lesson on this was 15 years ago, when I was cast in a lead role that was terrifying to me. It wasn’t the acting I was afraid of. It was the singing. And the funny thing about both acting and singing is, the more afraid you are, the worse you’re likely to do.
I had a solo (my first public solo ever) and a lot of confusion about how to approach it. I went to a vocal coaching session with both the stage and the musical director. I sang my solo. My voice felt constricted and I was sure that they were both wishing they hadn’t cast me in this role. Somehow, I managed to make it to the end of the song. Then I stood there, wishing I could disappear.
My director said something like, “That line: I’m becoming a mime. The way you sang that was exactly what we’re looking for. We want the whole song like that.”
My world shifted. All of a sudden, I was seeing my capacity and potential, instead of my incapacity. And I began to believe I could do this.
It was important that my director had implicitly acknowledged that I was struggling. My delivery of the rest of the song was clearly not what they wanted, and I knew it. But by focusing on the one line I was singing well, she gave me hope that I could learn to sing the whole song that way. And that motivated me to keep working on it, not because I was afraid of embarrassing myself in front of a paying audience, but because I was so grateful for her support and I wanted to justify her faith in me. Gratitude is so much more freeing than fear.
Ever since then, I have tried to practice that approach to my whole life, especially my parenting, and my directing. You’d think, with all that practice, it would be second nature to me. It’s not. My mind still focuses first on what’s wrong. If I don’t immediately start hunting for the thing that’s working well, my thinking easily slips into fear, discouragement and criticism. I mostly know better than to give voice to these, but then the negative self-talk starts and I lose my power to encourage and inspire. Here is what I have found, over the last couple of months, that helps me to break out of that cycle: gratitude. If I can stop and focus my mind on what I am grateful for and then start to express it, it’s like I suddenly get unstuck. My brain starts working again. I can see the beautiful things that are already going on and the potential for even more beauty going forward. And suddenly, I’m able to communicate those things.
I noticed this after taking a week away from the production for a pre-scheduled trip to help family after the birth of my newest grandchild. The sets were delivered while I was gone and scenes had to be re-blocked in order to incorporate them. When I returned, I felt disconnected and behind. Imposter syndrome kicked in, I started noticing all the things my co-director was managing better than I felt I was managing, and I stopped having fun. I went home from rehearsal feeling redundant and discouraged and I slept poorly. Then I remembered about gratitude. It took a little bit of effort to adjust my focus, but all of a sudden, I saw how my co-director (a dear and longtime friend) was making deliberate space for me in our partnership. Then my mind was flooded with beauty and the joy came back.
There are lots of communication skills and some powerful formulas for communicating in a collaborative way. They are super valuable, and I am working on a video series that applies them to the theatre. But I have also found that, unless my mind is in a positive space, even formulas can just be overwhelming. So, I am grateful for gratitude. It may be the mightiest instrument in my director’s toolkit.
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